Strip protections from one group of moms, hand a subsidy to another, and watch them fight it out. It’s not new, and it’s not an accident. Moms don’t have to fall for it.
Here’s a trick I’ve watched play out for decades. When you don’t want to give mothers what they’re owed, you don’t come right out and say it. Find a mother to blame instead. Give the rest of us something to fight about so nobody has to look at who’s actually withholding the support.
We’re watching it happen again, right now, in two stories that look completely unconnected if you only read the headlines.
One is about a program for low-income families getting quietly weaker. The other is about a shiny new subsidy for stay-at-home parents. Read them separately and one sounds like cruelty, the other sounds like generosity. Read them together and they’re the same move: fund one mother, fail another, and let them fight about it while nobody looks at the hand doing the moving.
I’m not playing. We are not each other’s enemy. Never have been.
The Fight You Might Have Scrolled Past
Since August 7, there’s been a proposal sitting in public comment that would wipe out nearly 1,400 of the regulations governing Head Start. Staffing ratios. Health screenings. The requirements that keep parents actually involved in their kids’ care. Gone, or close to it.
Let’s be clear about what Head Start actually is, because “childcare program” undersells it. It’s developmental screenings. Job training. Postpartum support. All of them aim to benefit roughly 700,000 kids, including kids who are homeless, in foster care, or living with a disability. The same proposal also slashes the cap on administrative expenses from 15% down to 5%, which sounds boring until you realize that’s the line covering the humans who make this program actually run.
Here’s the part that should make you move: this has been public for a month, and a month-old story stops feeling urgent even when it shouldn’t. The comment period closes October 6. Just a few more weeks to get our voices on the public record to advocate for these families. The clock doesn’t care that the news cycle moved on. Let’s make sure this story doesn’t get buried.
The New Plan to Pay At-Home Parents With Working Parents’ Money
Here’s what did break this week that’s still having a viral moment: a draft rule that would let married couples with a stay-at-home spouse start pulling from the Child Care and Development Fund, a $12 billion program that has existed since the 1990s for one reason: to help working parents afford care. Right now, 80% of the families using that fund are single working parents. Most of them are mothers.
And look, I’m not going to pretend $9,000 a year per child is nothing. It’s real money. Every day at Moms First we’re fighting for mothers to get paid for the work they do. I should be cheering.
But nobody added a dollar to make room for this. Same fund. Wider net. When you widen who qualifies and the pot stays exactly the same size, that money comes from somewhere. Advocates are already telling you where: the working mothers this fund was built to serve in the first place.
Single Mothers Lose in Both Stories
Here’s who takes the hit in both stories: single mothers.
In 2023, 40% of all babies born in this country were born to unmarried women, up from just 5% in 1960. (Quick clarification, because it matters: unmarried doesn’t mean alone. Plenty of these mothers are raising kids with a partner they haven’t married.) But a subsidy that only pays out to married, single-income households doesn’t reach them. Doesn’t matter how the family is actually built. Doesn’t matter that it’s the fastest-growing type of family in America.
A policy that only funds one specific version of a family isn’t neutral. It’s a bet on whose motherhood counts. And single mothers keep losing that bet twice: once in the story about who loses protections, once in the story about who gets paid.
This Is the Con
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: this is a manufactured culture war. I talked a lot about culture wars and how moms are getting conned in my Motherhood Lectures series I delivered earlier this year. These things don’t happen by accident. Strip protections from one group of mothers, dangle real money in front of another, and the fight that breaks out between them isn’t a side effect. It’s the whole point. It keeps all of us arguing about whose motherhood is more deserving instead of asking why anyone decided support for mothers has to be a fixed pie in the first place.
Jess Grose made a version of this same argument in her opinion piece in the New York Times this week: policy built around one narrow family model leaves out the mothers who need the help most.
We are a big enough country to fund working moms and stay-at-home moms. We have the money for wars overseas. We have the money to coat statues in gold in D.C. We are not too broke to fund two kinds of mothers at the same time, and mothers should not have to fight each other over the same pot. The fact that we’re being asked to is the con.
What You Can Do Right Now
While we’re busy getting sorted into camps, the Head Start comment period is running out the clock. It’s been open since August. It closes October 6. If you’ve been meaning to submit a comment, this is the week. See our Action Center below for language you can use.
Submit it. It counts, literally. Public comments become part of the official record. We’re aiming for 20,000. Let’s get loud.
We’ll be watching for the stay-at-home subsidy rule to open its own comment window, and we’ll flag it the second it does. We’re showing up for both sides of this, not just whichever one is trending.
The fastest way to lose is to keep fighting about which mothers deserve it more. I’m not doing it.
If you’re with us on this, here’s exactly where to put that energy today:
- Submit Your Comment to Advocate for Head First Funding: Take two minutes to put your voice on the public record. The deadline is October 6. Here’s language to get you started: “Head Start has made a real difference for my family / my community, and I’m asking HHS to keep the health, safety, and family-involvement protections currently in place. Cutting these standards in the name of efficiency puts the kids who rely on this program most at risk.”
- Share Your Story: Part of the American Motherhood Tour, we’re collecting stories about how Head Start or childcare subsidies have shaped your family.
- Watch Our Documentary: No Country for Mothers dives deeper into the culture wars dividing moms. Attend a screening or host your own watch party.
We’re Going for an Oscar
This summer, hundreds of moms and allies brought No Country for Mothers into their communities, from living rooms to rooftops. When no studio wanted to back this film, 2,500 moms backed it themselves, breaking the world record for most associate producers ever credited on a film. Moms show up when no one else will.
Now it’s award season, and we’re throwing our hat in the ring. Win or lose, here’s what we already know: nearly every winner who takes that stage thanks their mom. Moms are always behind the scenes. It’s time they got the spotlight instead.
Add your name and tell the Academy it’s time to give moms a nod.
One more thing: to qualify for an Oscar, the film needs a theatrical run. We’re taking over Cinema Village in New York City, September 18–24. Tickets are available now.
We’re breaking through, moms. We won’t stop until we’ve built a country that works for us.
Seattle, We’re Coming Your Way
On September 30, 5:30-8:30 PDT, Moms First is bringing No Country for Mothers to Seattle.
Join Moms First for a full screening of the film and a panel discussion with me and Seattle’s own Molly Moon of Molly Moon’s Ice Cream, digging into what real support for moms actually looks like.
RSVP and bring a guest, just have them register separately to ensure we save them a seat. Free childcare will be provided courtesy of Rosie Match.
No Country for Mothers: Screenings Happening Near You
Check for a local screening in your city or join a virtual watch party.
- Sewickley, PA, Sept 13, 1:30-2:45 PM at The Lindsay Theater and Cultural Center — RSVP
- Centennial, CO, Sept 13, 12-3 PM at Koelbel Library — RSVP
- Asheville, NC, Sept 13, 5-8 PM — RSVP
- Jackson, WY, Sept 13, 3-5 PM at Teton County Library — RSVP
- Virtual Watch Party (Honolulu, HI), Sept 13, 2-4 PM — RSVP
- New York, NY, Sept 14, 5:30-7:30 PM at HATCH — RSVP
- New York, NY, Sept 14, 5:30-8:30 PM at Luminary — RSVP
- Virtual Watch Party (Harrison, NY), Sept 14, 8:30-10 PM — RSVP
- Chicago, IL, Sept 14, 2-4 PM — RSVP
- Baltimore, MD, Sept 15, 6:30-9 PM — RSVP
- Bryn Mawr, PA, Sept 15, 7-9 PM at Bryn Mawr Film Institute — RSVP
- Portland, OR, Sept 15, 5-8 PM at The Laurelhurst Club — RSVP
- Virtual Watch Party (Harrison, NY), Sept 15, 8:30-10:30 PM — RSVP
- Virtual Watch Party (Harrison, NY), Sept 16, 1-2 PM — RSVP
- Sewickley, PA, Sept 16, 5:30-6:45 PM at The Lindsay Theater and Cultural Center — RSVP
- West Chester, PA, Sept 16, 6:30-9 PM at Uptown Knauer Performing Arts Center — RSVP
Want to host your own? Watch parties can be in your backyard, living room, a local library, your church, movie theater, or wherever moms gather. Help bring moms together in community to talk, watch, and support one another.
Head to our Host Hub for all the info you need to set up your event.
Meg Scheding shared her story with Moms First about getting laid off while on maternity leave and we connected her to a journalist at CNBC to spotlight her story. | Photo Fred Siegel
Your Stories Are Making the News
Every story you send us, we read. Every single one. And we work to get it in front of the people who need to hear it: reporters, producers, the folks writing the headlines that shape this whole conversation.
Last week, three moms from our community — Casey, Meg, and Ruika — had their stories featured in this CNBC article about getting laid off while on maternity leave.
That’s the whole point of sharing your story with us. It’s not just for us to read and file away. We actively work to get your voice onto the national stage, because the people making decisions about mothers need to hear directly from mothers, not just from us.
Keep sharing your stories with us. They matter.
The fastest way to lose is to keep fighting about which mothers deserve it more. I’m not doing it, and I don’t think you are either. We know a con when we see one, and we know exactly what to do about it: show up, speak up, and refuse to let anyone convince us we’re on opposite sides.
With you in this,
