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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, an important reminder that abuse thrives in silence. When we discuss this issue openly, dispel harmful myths, and empower moms with facts, we can help chip away at the power abusers hold.

Far too many moms already know that domestic violence can hide in plain sight. It doesn’t always show up in bruises. Sometimes it looks like a bank account you can’t access, a paycheck you gave up to care for your kids, or the crushing fear that you can’t afford to leave a dangerous situation.

Let me be clear: This applies to all moms. Every kind of caregiving is worthy, and whether you choose to be a stay-at-home mom, or work full-time, or do anything in between, it deserves to be valued. And you deserve to be secure no matter how you choose to be a mom.

Without a safety net, however, those caregiving choices can become cages, especially when abuse is involved. It’s a systemic failure, and it’s where our work comes in — to strengthen the social safety net so no mom ever has to choose between safety and support.

When Care Becomes a Cage: Moms, Money, and the Cost of Safety

So much of the story here comes down to the fact that moms need and deserve economic security. In abusive relationships, financial dependence often gets weaponized. The National Network to End Domestic violence reports that financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic violence cases. And when survivors are surveyed, it’s nearly always the top reason they chose not to leave — or chose to return to — an abusive relationship. 

Financial abuse can take many forms, some more subtle than others: withholding funds; keeping assets hidden or bank accounts off-limits; accruing mountains of debt using joint accounts; failing to pay bills and jeopardizing a partner’s credit scores; forbidding a partner to work; or even stealing their identity altogether. 

It’s easy to see how moms are vulnerable to financial abuse. We recently covered the motherhood penalty in this space — how women who leave the workforce to give birth or take care of kids experience both short-term wage loss and decreased long-term financial security. That can make leaving an abusive relationship difficult — and when only 27% of workers in the US have access to paid leave or when child care costs can consume up to 25% of a family’s income, you start to understand a terrifying reality.

Our societal policy failures are trapping moms in dangerous situations. Look, I have to be honest. That very idea makes me so deeply angry. 

It shouldn’t be true that one in four women experience domestic violence in their lifetime. It shouldn’t be a fact that 6% of moms report that they experienced emotional, physical, or sexual violence while they were pregnant. Homicide rates shouldn’t be 16% higher for women who are pregnant or recently gave birth — directly linked to intimate partner violence. And it shouldn’t require seven attempts, on average, for a survivor to fully leave an abusive relationship.

And if you don’t care about the moms, then care about the kids. Right now, more than 15 million children live in homes in which domestic violence has occurred at least once in the past year. And studies show that exposure to that kind of violence in the home puts kids at greater risk of anxiety, depression, and repeating cycles of abuse. 

When Safety Depends on Policy, Not Just Courage

Don’t let yourself get numbed by those big numbers. Every single instance of abuse is a tragedy, and it’s hard not to wonder how many fewer there’d be if society built a better safety net that allowed moms the freedom to get out of bad situations.

We all know there’s no magic wand we can wave to end all domestic violence, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have obvious tools at our disposal to stop financial dependence from becoming a trap.

There’s a misguided tendency to single out stay-at-home moms in this conversation, as if making the choice to give up one’s income to take care of your kids is a reason abuse took place. I reject that notion — for one, I refuse to blame or shame anyone who experiences violence. But the fact remains that it’s also true that moms who are the primary breadwinners for their families are at greater risk of abuse. So I’m not going to tell moms how to mom, because every caregiving path deserves respect and support.

What we know is that true choice only exists when moms have a safety net. No mom should have to choose between staying safe and keeping a roof over her children’s heads.That’s why we fight for things like paid leave, affordable child care, and economic protections. They’re not just pro-family policies; they can be life-saving protections.

Action Center

Awareness Is Power. Conversation Is Protection.

First things first: If you are experiencing abuse — or know someone who is — you are not alone, and no one has to go through it alone. 

  • Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text “START” to 88788, or visit thehotline.org for confidential support, 24/7.
  • Some states offer domestic violence leave protections. Visit PaidLeave.AI to find out what the policy is where you live, or to advocate for lawmakers to pass comprehensive paid leave.

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No mom should ever have to choose between her safety and her family’s security. Silence protects abusers. Systems trap moms. Let’s be loud enough — and relentless enough — to change both.

On your side,
Reshma Saujani

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