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This week, our Moms First staff Slack channel is 50% team business, 50% school chaos:

“Wait, I totally forgot ‘pajama day’ is tomorrow!”
‘Pre-K graduation is at 10am on Thursday?!’
‘‘We’re three chaperones short — guess I’m on field trip duty Friday.’
If you know, you know. And if you know… that probably means you are your family’s default parent. (Congrats. )

 
The Mental Load of Being the Default Parent

Even if you didn’t know the term before, you probably picked up on the concept immediately. The default parent is the person in a two-parent household or co-parenting partnership who is assumed to be on top of pretty much everything kid-related.

You’re the one booking doctor’s appointments and dentist visits. You own the family calendar, so people trust you to keep track of every practice time, friend birthday party, and school spirit week theme.

You manage lunches, prep snacks, and always remember sunscreen. It’s you who coordinates with sitters and who typically picks up the slack when childcare falls through.

Emails from school land in your inbox first, and that last-minute emergency poster board? It’s on your way home from work, right? More than anything, if something happens at school — a sudden fever, a forgotten flute — you’re somehow always the first call.

Now how did you get here? No one voted you into this position. The principal didn’t assign you a family “captain” patch on Day One. Somehow, it just happened.

It’s not a small thing, either. The default parent isn’t just buried in logistics — they’re doing a ton of extra mental labor.

And more often than not, this role falls on mom. Among opposite-sex couples, 75% of moms say they’re the default parent. And it’s not just a feeling — these responsibilities get reflected in how parents spend their time. Even in families that don’t have a primary breadwinner, moms spend 4.5 hours more per week on caregiving and household tasks than dads do (and 3.5 hours less on leisure activities, by the way.) The time sheets look even more imbalanced in the majority of households where dad earns 60% or more of the household income. 

Default Parenting Comes at a Cost

Some folks might look at a few extra hours of parenting each week and say, “What’s the big deal? I love being a mom!” And trust me, I get it. My favorite job in the world is being a mom to Shaan and Sai.

The thing is, like it or not, the daily (unpaid) micro tasks add up, and the effects on a woman’s career are undeniable. Being the default parent pushes moms to choose jobs with remote work opportunities and flexible hours — they need the ability to stay home with a sick kid or leave a little early for a piano lesson. So when the government and companies roll back flexibility and implement return-to-office mandates, it’s often moms who are pushed out of the workforce.

When you’re the default parent, you can end up charting your career based on benefits, not your ambition. That takes a toll — not just on a mom’s economic future, but also her mental health.

Dads Don’t Want to Be Backups Anymore

Now that we’re on the same page that we have a default parent problem in America, are you ready for the twist?

More often than ever, dads don’t want to be Mr. Fallback.

Olga Khazan in The Atlantic writes, “Fathers often feel invisible in the school-parent dynamic. Emails go to moms. Doctors ask for moms. And it reinforces the idea that even when dads are involved, they’re still not seen as the ‘real’ parent.”

As much as it is an extra weight on moms’ shoulders when society assumes you’re the default parent, it’s also not helping dads step up.

 
“My wife and I consciously try to split as many kiddo duties as we can. I’m on morning drop-off. She wrangles pickup. We take turns managing bedtime and handling doctor’s appointments and gymnastics practices. I’m typically the one who can volunteer in the classroom. But still, if the school needs to reach one of us quickly, Mom always gets the first call — even though I’m working three blocks away and am literally never not by my phone.”

-Toby, a father of two in Chicago

 
Dads want in. They want to remember the names of all the stuffed animals and be the ones yelling from the bleachers. They want to be a parent — not an assistant to the regional parent.

The dynamics around parenting are shifting and it’s time our systems and culture caught up. That’s why, in two weeks, we’re hosting the Future of Fatherhood Summit. Featured speakers include:

  • Jonathan Haidt, NYU professor and author of The Anxious Generation
  • Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and author of Good Inside
  • Chasten Buttigieg, Author and advocate
  • Rep. Jimmy Gomez, Founder of the Congressional Dads Causus
  • Liz Plank, journalist and host of the Man Enough podcast
  • Michael Bush, CEO of Great Place to Work
  • Joe Gonzales, founder of the Brooklyn Stroll Club
  • And more!

This event isn’t about stepping back from our fight for moms. It’s about stepping forward into a future where caregiving is shared, valued, and visible. Where dads are empowered to fully show up — and moms are no longer expected to carry it all.

Because when dads step up, moms thrive and families win.

 
Moms aren’t in this fight alone, and the Future of Fatherhood Summit is going to prove it. It’s all happening on Thursday, June 5, 1:00-5:00 pm ET.

Check out the full program and speaker lineup.

There are two ways to participate:

 
Check out what people are saying about Moms First in the news:


Thanks for taking a moment out of your busy day to read this newsletter. It means a lot. I know those sticky notes, snack bags, and pajama day reminders still mostly fall on moms. But know they don’t have to — not forever.

 
Here’s to rewriting the rules,
Reshma Saujani